All about the self

I Ponder...has become a little dead. The routine keeps me busy to write but I wish i never lose this. For last 10 days I was alone but couldn't blog. One: laptop was not there and two: i couldn't. I have a wish to write a book someday. A very interesting book with a fulfilling content. So i should not lose on writing, my greatest self-proclaimed asset with a few verbal and written testimonials from those who read it.
All this while I had been into many a things on and off. Many thoughts. My mind has been wandering into other people's writing and words to find my own self and answers to various puzzles.When i read them, i find they write no different from me, nothing new and i already knew that. Bad habit but a fact judged true. Then why am i seeking for answers elsewhere. It all lies in me. And are some questions really important to ask.
As i have joined a new work, i observed myself as an audience. I see i am growing more n more absorbed with the petty and unimportant and anxious with the same. So much so that my indulgence in the world as a keen observer has reduced. Also positivism has diminished and is sitting on the edge. Until i get a dose on the same from my best friend do i realize how far i am getting from so much of good. Thanks to him i am able to come back to myself as i have grown.
How does one maintain this balance? Balance between: the world and me in it, and the me with world in me. I realize each one of us has a way of our own into creating this balance and i also have a libran to take care of the same.
My worries about no friends, no socialization and being alone have been the greatest since the time i moved into this city. I realize i am not made for it. Since childhood i have been the cornered one, the tough nut, the arrogant, the boring and thus the face in the crowd for good and bad reasons. Mainly people's judgement about me and must be for my actions as well. I have tried hard to figure out this life-long story and what i figure out is that i am like that, i should accept it instead of creating an unnecessary force against myself. Me and the world. No wrong. Let it just be the way it is. The more i ponder about this in my last year of the 20s, the more i would ruin my coming years.
I chalked out one day, all the good about myself and now n then that i have known felt and experienced. It was a good exercise and it made me realize that everyone doesnt have everything. Its just like that. The best is to keep up with what is there. For example: writing.
As i write this down i go through my blog again to see what i have written and that i will be judged by this. And then i just feel, let there be a judgement. Damn with it...! For once in a while, after a long break, such spontaneity is good for health.
after all, it has to be saved for some better tasks in life, some work, some family plans, some love, some book to be written, some change and some hopefulness.

इच्छा

कुछ इच्छा सी दिल में आये
जाएँ दूर हम, गंगा नहायें
धुल जाएँ सारी चिंताओं के चिन्ह 
बूंदों से धुलें हमारे पदचिन्ह
पग पग निशान छोड़ते हुए बढ़ें
नए उजले रास्तों पर ...

Karmabhumi

Recently, i had an opportunity where going to rajasthan would have worked out but could not. I knew that it might not though I had wanted it somewhere in my heart. I have many ties with Rajasthan, some can be explained and understood and some not. I would never go to Rajasthan when i plan it. It will happen.
I have an old relationship with Rajasthan. My grandmother was from Jaipur. They had a haveli in the old Jaipur, Paanch Batti area. Things got over even before i was born and I had only a decade with my grandmother. She belonged to a grand state of which very little remains now. Many many relatives of ours are settled in Jaipur and I dont really have a liking for them. I also never had a liking for Jaipur but for Rajasthan. Whenever i went to jaipur as a kid i felt it would hold me there forever and the feeling was uncomfortable. More so because of the relatives. I had never thought that one day i would have a love element in my hate relationship with Rajasthan.
I had to unexpectedly study at Jaipur which took life out of me but also gave me new aspirations and the strength to pursue them. With much effort i could move away from this place and never wanted to come back to it. But work brought me back again and this was when i really discovered my relationship with this place. One of my relatives (my grandmother's sister) commented on my disdain with Rajasthan, ' Rajasthan is a royal state. The kings buried many gems and jewels in the soil of this place. The influence of these is so strong that none can escape it. Once u have come here, u will be bound by the magnetism of this place.' She is not there any more, but may be she was right. I have lost and yet found many things in Rajasthan. From this place I have always moved to new dimension in life. Life has always taken a turn from here. After graduation (at Jaipur) I changed my stream and put my step into Social Work. On the peak of my initial career in social work i came to Rajasthan when i was going to give up. And at Rajasthan, love realization came about and i moved on to be married. I know the next time I visit it, would be also when life would be on an interesting juncture. And it may not be in my hand again. The most unexpected things have happened for me in Rajasthan. I met many memorable people on my last stay at Rajasthan while working there. Now i have a strange nostalgia about it all.
Today while browsing many a things on youtube, i came across the famous folk, Kesariya Balam aawo re, padharo ni maare des... Took me to the time in this desert state which was dry, harsh, tough, thristy and it taught me in the same stride. A place actually teaches u and develops ur character just like its geography.
It also brought colors into my life literally. I am sure its a relation which stems from the grandmother days and will be never ending. I am the only one after her to have spent a considerable time there. To have loved and hate it and long for it now just like she did.
Rajasthan is very popular tourist place and has that attraction about it. To be true it is actually. When u meet people who carry its culture in their music, their costumes and their hospitality, u know rajasthan is truly royal. People do wear colorful clothes and prints and that actually colors ur temperament in this dry state. Yes, this is romanticism and otherwise there are many human challenges here too, culturally, economically. But that is a different point.
I am waiting for my next rendezvous to feel its air- warm n cold.
It is my karmabhumi.